Attendant: Welcome aboard Continental, sir. May I see your ticket?
Attendant: You’re in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.
Passenger: That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won’t stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you’re right — you can’t stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way.
Attendant: Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there’s a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here — take the $10. I can’t believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulation air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don’t have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there’s a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin’ out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.