Irish one liners

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

Irish saying – There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.

Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet
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Paddy went to the doctors

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
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Paddy jokes

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!
———— ——— ——–oOo- ——— ——— ——— –
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said “I don’t think that’s
her, she wasn’t that tall!”
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank.
Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off.

As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley.

Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm.
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“SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” and he touches her hand.

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
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Short Irish vet jokes

Bill took his dog to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want
anything to make her think she is welcome.”
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Paddy at an Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom’s families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, “Silence in Court!”

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say’s. “Judge… I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”
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Paddy’s cow got killed

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
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Large woman in Dublin bar.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin , Ireland .

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a woman a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her….

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
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Chinese man drinking Guinness

I was standing at the bar in Dublin and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a Guinness.
I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
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An Irish Divorce

Left by eaf143
 
 

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Pad ?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
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Irish Bar joke.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.”
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Paddy’s bum is bleeding

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Patton.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.
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Paddy goes to a bar

Walking into the bar, Paddy said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Paddy replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”
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Father Murphy joke

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” the man replied.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
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Cheating Wives

Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar.

Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”

“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.

“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
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Drinking buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness.

One of them turns to the other and asks, “So where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.
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