Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which Paddy said “I don’t think that’s
her, she wasn’t that tall!” Continue reading →
Bill took his dog to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want
anything to make her think she is welcome.” Continue reading →
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom’s families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, “Silence in Court!”
The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say’s. “Judge… I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.” Continue reading →
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Continue reading →
I was standing at the bar in Dublin and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a Guinness.
I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?” Continue reading →
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Pad ?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! Continue reading →
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.” Continue reading →
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Patton.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood. Continue reading →