Paddy went to the doctors

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Continue reading

Advertisements

Paddy jokes

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!
———— ——— ——–oOo- ——— ——— ——— –
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said “I don’t think that’s
her, she wasn’t that tall!”
Continue reading

Paddy goes to the doctors.

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, ‘Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… And a shovel.’
Continue reading

Short Irish vet jokes

Bill took his dog to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want
anything to make her think she is welcome.”
Continue reading

Paddy at an Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom’s families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, “Silence in Court!”

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say’s. “Judge… I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”
Continue reading

Paddy’s cow got killed

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Continue reading

Paddy’s bum is bleeding

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Patton.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.
Continue reading

Paddy goes to a bar

Walking into the bar, Paddy said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Paddy replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”
Continue reading

Cheating Wives

Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar.

Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”

“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.

“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
Continue reading

Paddy’s sugar test.

One day Paddy, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, “Could you taste this for me, please?”

The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
Continue reading

Two Paddy jokes

Paddy,says to his Da “Da how did you meet mum”.

Da “well I was at a dance and I saw this beautiful girl”

I asked her to dance we did and I fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world then cupid shot his bow and arrow

The arrow missed and hit your Ma

Continue reading

Paddy is a lesbian

Paddy comes out of a bar and he is standing next to a young girl, and the next thing is she starts to cry.

So Paddy asks her “why are you crying”?

The girl says “see that girl across the road ”

“well she is a lesbian and I want to fondle her run my hands up her skirt and make love to her ”
Continue reading

Paddy jokes

Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated.

So the doc says “try these and come back next week”

When Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked

Paddy replies “Those things, I might have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done

Continue reading