A Bear and a Man.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.

His hopes were dim.
Continue reading

Advertisements

Four worms

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
Continue reading

Board a plane

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman.

“Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Continue reading

Lady dies in the Holy land.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped hom
Continue reading

Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.
Continue reading

St. Peters day-off

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him.
Whilst ‘booking-in’ the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar.
When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

“Joseph” is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

“Occupation?” is the next question, the reply being “Carpenter”.
Jesus is now getting quite excited.
Continue reading

The drunk in the cathedral

A drunk staggered down the main street of the town.

Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional.
Continue reading

Jesus on the cross

Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus’ faint voice, “Peter. . . Peter. . .”

“I must go and help my Saviour,” he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross.

But soon he hears, “Peter. . . Peter,” in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call.
Continue reading

Christian lion.

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer.

“Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
Continue reading

“SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” and he touches her hand.

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Continue reading

A priest and a rabbi

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, “I know that in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork… but have you really never even tasted it?”

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, “I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”
Continue reading

Don’t step on the Ducks.

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!”
Continue reading

Sister on the whiskey

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890’s whose worn-out body began to surrender.

Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk.
Continue reading

where is the Post Office ?”

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “good morning young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”

Continue reading

Jesus at the gate, joke.

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him.

Whilst ‘booking-in’ the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar.

When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

“Joseph” is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

“Occupation?” is the next question, the reply being “Carpenter”.
Continue reading

Pearly gates of heaven

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”
Continue reading

Adultery, joke.

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

Continue reading