Short jokes

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

How were people born

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

Little Johnny in school photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

Little Tommy, short jokes

The math teacher saw that little Tommy wasn’t paying
attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Tommy! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?”

Little Tommy quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!”

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde

Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have.”
The other to asked how.

She replied, “Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy”.

Female achieves orgasm

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer’s Weekly.

He looked up from the page and said to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
“Oh yes? Prove it.”

Short Jewish jokes

Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor:
“See! What did I tell you?”
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
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Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears. ” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

MALE STATEMENTS

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “You’re ugly.”

Statements men make, jokes

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

Found It! joke.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway.
After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens
was no where to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the
lens in her hand.

Short jokes

A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I can’t come to work.

The Boss says: “when I am sick, I fuck my wife … try that?”

Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: “Me better now, you got a nice house!”

Beer drinking problems, part one

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

Lets offend everyone, 2

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I’ve found that a bacon
sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely
fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a
woman with her mouth shut.

let’s offend everyone

I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy
peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I’ve not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”

I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the
correct answers.

Holy humour

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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handstands, joke.

A girl says to her mum,

“Mum the boys in my class say I’m the best at doing handstands  in the school”

The Moral of Auntie Sharon, joke.

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:

To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

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Ashley said, ‘My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front
seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.’

‘What’s the morale of that story?’ asked the teacher.

‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’

‘Very good,’ said the teacher.

Paddy’s constipated

Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated.

The doc says “try these and come back next week”

railway track, joke.

Paddy found this lovely girt tied to the railway track.

So he frees her an takes her home and makes some mad passionate love all day and night.

Evening in Paris, joke.

Paddy is at a dance and dancing with a lovely girl ,he says to the girl.

“You smell nice, what have you on”?

The girl replies “Evening in Paris”