I would like to buy some cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” 

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
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That’s once

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, “That’s once.”

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, “That’s twice.”

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
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Wedding rehearsal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.

When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever.

I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
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