A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” Continue reading →
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,”he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” Continue reading →
Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, “Doctor, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.
We got us eight kids now and I just don’t know how we can go on.
I gotta do something about having all these babies or I’ll just lose my mind!” Continue reading →
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Continue reading →
Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised “deck” which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back. Continue reading →
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing — assume the brace position immediately!”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”
Claudia responds: “I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces — which is why I am putting on my make-up.” Continue reading →
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. Continue reading →
One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.
The lady asked, “What’s that for?”
He replied, “It’s to keep my cigarette dry when I’m outside smoking and it starts to rain.” Continue reading →