A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. Continue reading →
a man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “give us two beers over here!”
The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, “Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”
The man say’s to the bartender, “oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”
The bartender replied back, “well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!” Continue reading →
The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What can I get for you?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about?
I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there.
In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” Continue reading →
Two friends, both married, decide to have fun on a Saturday night.
They go to a night bar to find a prostitute.
After having negotiated the price and split the check, the first one goes in the
room with the woman. Continue reading →
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’ my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Continue reading →
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.
“Hello there and what is your name?”
“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey.
What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?”
“Sure!” replies Jim. Continue reading →
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.” Continue reading →
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes.
When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.
He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.
The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. Continue reading →
Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop.”
The bartender laughs and says, “You’re crazy, but you’re on.”
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere — all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. Continue reading →