mountain woman goes to the doctors

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, “Doctor, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.
We got us eight kids now and I just don’t know how we can go on.
I gotta do something about having all these babies or I’ll just lose my mind!”
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You Are Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
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The Loving Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his check-up , the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
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Bad News

A man got a call from his doctor who said “I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?”

The man says “The bad news.” The doctor says “The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!”
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contraceptive

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother.

“My child has swallowed a contraceptive!”
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Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:

“Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old.

There is however, only one problem.
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Husband climaxes

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor.

Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
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Wife was to skinny

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
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TWICE a day

This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help
me. I just can’t stop having sex!”

“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.

“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.

“Yes, but thats not all. Twice a  day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
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Short Jewish jokes

Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor:
“See! What did I tell you?”
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
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Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears. ” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
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little brown bottle

The other day I went over to our nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”

Being I’m a senior citizen … I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
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rearrange the letters PNEIS

Submitted by Eafpab

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor
so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters
PNEIS into the name of an important human body part
which is most useful when erect.
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Bob went to the doctors

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
“In over 20 years I haven’t because I try to remain professional.”
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery.
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lawyer’s bill.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
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Viagra gives a lift.

A man passed out on the beach in Naples, Florida, for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
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Your Daughter is Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
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Hi beautiful

A lawyer was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
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Double dose of Viagra

A man walked into his doctor’s office on Friday and asked for a double dose of Viagra.

“What do you need it for?”, the doctor asked.

“Well, my ex wife is coming over tonight, my girlfriend is coming over Saturday and my wife gets home from her business trip on Sunday”, he replied.
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