One drink to many

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
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Screwing up a business.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied “Yes.”

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”

“Certainly sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.”
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What can I get for you?

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What can I get for you?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about?

I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there.
In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
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A Canadian, American, Japanese, and a Middle Eastern guy

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.

They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.

The American guy boasts, “I’m so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team.”
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A cowboy walks into a bar

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’ my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
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cocktail stick

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out.

The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.

The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman.

This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly.

There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
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Bar pissing contest, joke

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop.”

The bartender laughs and says, “You’re crazy, but you’re on.”

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere — all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
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wife is having an affair

A blond guy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the Plummer the other day I
found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
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circumcised joke

An Aussie called by the unlikely name of Bruce bounced into his local and with a big grin on his face said to his mates:

“Drinks are on me”

One of them asked what was the occasion.

Bruce said that after trying for umpteen years his wife back in Oz had just given birth to their first child a boy weighing in at 25lbs

“Jeez Bruce – 25lb? That’s a bit extreme ! ”

A female customer listening nearby, fainted and fell on the floor.
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Beer drinking problems, part two

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
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Irish Bar joke.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.”
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Give me six double vodkas

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
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Paddy goes to a bar

Walking into the bar, Paddy said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Paddy replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”
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10 pints in 2 minutes

The bartender says, “Can anyone drink 10 pints in 2 minutes?”

The place goes quiet until one sailor pipes up, “I’ll bet I can.”

Instead of running up to the bar, he runs out the door.

A few minutes later, he’s back. “Line ’em up,” he yells.
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Drinking buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness.

One of them turns to the other and asks, “So where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.
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Proud Texan Father

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar.

The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?”
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Gents toilet

Guy in a hotel asks the barman “Where are the gents”

Barman “down the corridor second door on the left”

So the guy leaves then comes back to the bar and says

“This place is corrupt ,on my way to the gents I passed the Ladies

and I couldn’t believe what I saw ”
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