Irish one liners

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

Irish saying – There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.

Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet
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Paddy went to the doctors

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
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Driving home drunk.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk
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Irish one liners

1.An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’
Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’

2.Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantel piece?’
‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
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Paddy goes to the doctors.

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, ‘Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… And a shovel.’
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank.
Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off.

As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley.

Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm.
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“SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” and he touches her hand.

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
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Short Irish vet jokes

Bill took his dog to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want
anything to make her think she is welcome.”
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Paddy in a Belfast pub.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
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Paddy at an Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom’s families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, “Silence in Court!”

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say’s. “Judge… I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”
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Paddy’s cow got killed

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
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An Irish pub.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.”
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Large woman in Dublin bar.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin , Ireland .

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a woman a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her….

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
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speech therapist, joke

Submitted by eaf143

Three men with a speech impediment went to a speech therapist

And the young lady says to them

” if any of you can tell me where they live without stammering I will give them a blow job ”
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Chinese man drinking Guinness

I was standing at the bar in Dublin and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a Guinness.
I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
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An Irish Divorce

Left by eaf143
 
 

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Pad ?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
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Irish Bar joke.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.”
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Paddy’s bum is bleeding

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Patton.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.
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