Liverpool one liners

What do Liverpool fans and mushrooms have in common?
They both have big heads and live in shit

What’s the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!

What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
Trip him up and give the lady’s purse back to her.

How do you make a scouser run faster?
stick a video player under his arm

What’s the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
A Batman can go anywhere without Robin.


Liverpool joke.

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train.

At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an American. “Watch” answers a scouser.

They all board the train.

The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

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Liverpool jokes

Gerard Houllier: “Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player”
Sir Alex Ferguson: “Why’s that?”
Gerard Houllier: “Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!”

Why will Liverpool never win the League?
They keep scoring Owen goals

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool…
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Liverpool football club, joke.

The new manager of Liverpool football club sent scouts out around the world
Looking for a new center forward to replace his old and decrepit players
In the hope of winning the league.
One of his scouts informed him of a young Iraqi soccer player who he thinks
will turn out to be a true superstar.
The manager flies out to Baghdad to watch him play and is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come to Liverpool.
Two week later and Liverpool are 4 to 1 down ManU and only 20 minutes to the end of the game,
The manager gives the young Iraqi the nod and on to the pitch he goes.
The lad is a sensation and scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the match for Liverpool.
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Liverpool jokes.

Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-
“I’ve just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?”

Define confusion
Fathers day in Liverpool

Or like the bloke visiting the docks who sees a docker writhing in pain on the floor.
He asks what’s wrong with him.
Another docker says “He wants to go the toilet”.
“So why doesn’t he go” asks the stranger.
“What? On his lunch break?” comes the reply.
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4 terrorists in Liverpool Joke.

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists,

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