A loving husband

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie — put your hat and coat on, lassie.”
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Sailors new baby

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.

Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

“Was it my friend Sam”, he demanded.

“No !” his weeping wife replied.
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It’s my husband

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.
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Their passions overcame them

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
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800 to drop that towel

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
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Four legs instead of two

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
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Husband said Four Letter Words

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well,” said her mother, “so how was the honeymoon?” Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language — things I’d never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home…, “PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?”
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20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.
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Slipping into a Coma

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times.
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Three couples get married.

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have sexy voices.”
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man and wife in bed

A man and his wife got into bed for the night.
The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
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I don’t want him back, joke.

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy
hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
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Four letter words

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well,” said her mother, “so how was the honeymoon?” Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying.

“But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language — things I’d never heard before!
I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home…, “PLEASE MAMA!”
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Do you remember.

A couple who’d been married for over fifty years was sitting on the sofa.

The wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”

He moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”

He reached over and held her tight.
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Thanksgiving and divorce joke

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
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Mom, I’m getting married.

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
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An Irish Divorce

Left by eaf143
 
 

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy
in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Pad ?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
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A woman got married

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.
She got married again and that husband failed in bed.
Finally, she put an ad in the paper:
“Looking for a man who won’t abuse me, won’t leave me, and won’t fail me in bed.”
The next day, the doorbell rings.
There is a man with no arms and no legs.
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