World war two

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favour’s.”
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Bill and Marla

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,”he said. “An ambulance just drove by.”
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Layoffs are Tough

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off.
But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
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One liner sex jokes (2)

9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
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One line sex jokes.

1. When I was born, I got a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I can’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
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Teeth

A little boy & a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn.
They are both bear butt naked.
The little boy’s mom comes around the corner, and catches them.

She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house.
Spanking him the whole way.
When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy “don’t be messing’ with those little girls.
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Gold Medalist

 

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer.

He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500.

Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

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60 minutes of great sex

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”
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Money on the floor

A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
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woman bathing naked

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream.
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I need a man

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
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A mouth full

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
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A talk about sex

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said.
“Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
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Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
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very sweaty sex

A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all.
But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
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I need two Viagra’s

Joe goes to the pharmacy and asks for two Viagra’s.
You don’t need two pills, one is enough.
I need two!
I will repeat you again, one is more than enough.
I need two.
So, why two?
Two girls will come to my place, tonight.
We will have a romantic dinner, music in background, we will drink a couple glasses of wine, we will cuddle and have a long night together.
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Boy wants sex.

A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all the time.

So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it.

His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: “Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home.

I will be up in the tree waiting for you.

If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not.

And I will give the right answer to you and her.”
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