Curiosity in a Toilet

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: ‘WW’, ‘WA’, ‘PP’ and ‘ATR’.
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A dozen whores

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
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Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing — assume the brace position immediately!”

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”

Claudia responds: “I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces — which is why I am putting on my make-up.”
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The fire.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire.

He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. H

e jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
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Dallas ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 911–You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.”

Saudi Air: “Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R –Allah be Praised!!”

Dallas ATC: “Tower to Iran Air 711–You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.”

Iran Air: “Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R.- -Allah is Great!!”

Pause: Static………….
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This is your Captain

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it’s final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto”.

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?”
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Would you like to sit down during your flight? Yes/No You have chosen yes £56
Would you like to sit down on the way back? Yes/No You have chosen yes £72
Would you like your legs to fit in the seating area with you? Yes/No You have chosen yes £82
Will you be wearing clothes on your holiday? Yes/No you have chosen yes
and you will therefore need bags to put them in £52
Do you have your own insurance? Yes/No you have chosen yes therefore the compulsory insurance will be discounted by 10% as our gift to you £64
Will you want insurance for your wife? Yes/No You have answered no, but you have to £64
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Two pilots

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, ‘watch this!’ and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
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Fight 293

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.
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Airline one liners

Take-offs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
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Fully computerized airliner

The world’s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
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Airline luggage, joke.

A Man was heading home after a business trip.

When he got to the airline counter, he presented his ticket to Cape Town, and as he gave the agent his luggage, he stated.

“I’d like you to send my one suitcase to King Shaka Airport, and my other suitcase to Lanseria.”
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While cruising at 40,000 feet

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
“Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just blew up!”
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
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Three woman on a plane.

A blonde, redhead and black-haired beauty were on an airplane that was going down in flames.

The blonde reached inside her purse and pulled out all her make-up and began primping. The others asked her what she was doing.

She replied, “It’s a well-known fact that the people at the crash-site will notice a beautiful woman before other victims. I’ll look wonderful and be rescued first.”
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Airplane Problems

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that

‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’
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Scottish Farmer

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine.

While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity.

The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

‘Well’, said the pilot, ‘Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge.
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air traffic control

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
“Mayday, mayday!!

The pilot had passed out.. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph.

Mayday, mayday!! The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
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pull out on time

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son turned from the window to his mother and asked.

“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother got confused what to answer so she simply said.

“Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess and then I will explain in detail”

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