What do Liverpool fans and mushrooms have in common?
They both have big heads and live in shit
What’s the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!
What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
Trip him up and give the lady’s purse back to her.
How do you make a scouser run faster?
stick a video player under his arm
What’s the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
A Batman can go anywhere without Robin.
Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train.
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an American. “Watch” answers a scouser.
They all board the train.
The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
Gerard Houllier: “Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player”
Sir Alex Ferguson: “Why’s that?”
Gerard Houllier: “Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!”
Why will Liverpool never win the League?
They keep scoring Owen goals
How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool…
The new manager of Liverpool football club sent scouts out around the world
Looking for a new center forward to replace his old and decrepit players
In the hope of winning the league.
One of his scouts informed him of a young Iraqi soccer player who he thinks
will turn out to be a true superstar.
The manager flies out to Baghdad to watch him play and is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come to Liverpool.
Two week later and Liverpool are 4 to 1 down ManU and only 20 minutes to the end of the game,
The manager gives the young Iraqi the nod and on to the pitch he goes.
The lad is a sensation and scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the match for Liverpool.
If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What do you say to a Scouser with a job?
Big Mac please.
What’s long, scouse, and goes around corners?
The Dole queue.
Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-
“I’ve just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?”
Fathers day in Liverpool
Or like the bloke visiting the docks who sees a docker writhing in pain on the floor.
He asks what’s wrong with him.
Another docker says “He wants to go the toilet”.
“So why doesn’t he go” asks the stranger.
“What? On his lunch break?” comes the reply.
Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists,
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke – 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs.
He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: “Do you want a blow job?” he whispers.
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.