90th birthday

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
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The farting lady

A lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your clinic.

You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
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Speeders

Sitting on the edge of the highway 22 waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder.
So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?”
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Little old lady on a boat.

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to
her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker
getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.
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Old lady at a supermarket

There’s this old lady at a supermarket.

She goes to the produce section.

She’s rummaging around for a while.

Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: We’re out of broccoli at the moment.

The old lady starts rummaging again.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: I just told you that we don’t have any at the moment.
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Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.
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Keep ‘Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.

The lady asked, “What’s that for?”

He replied, “It’s to keep my cigarette dry when I’m outside smoking and it starts to rain.”
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Grandma’s boyfriend.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh … I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
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