Old age

So three old men met on a Sunday morning..

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
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Whats in a name

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”
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Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
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Keep ‘Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.

The lady asked, “What’s that for?”

He replied, “It’s to keep my cigarette dry when I’m outside smoking and it starts to rain.”
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Doctor’s Request

The other day I went over to our nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”

Being I’m a senior citizen … I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
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Social Security, joke.

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
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I’ll bet you five dollars, joke.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
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TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
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Dead penis, joke

An old man, Mr. Smith, resides in a nursing home.

One day he went to the nurses office and informed nurse Jones that his penis had died.

She realized that he was old and forgetful and decided to humour him, “It did? I’m sorry to hear that”, she replied.
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Dirty old man.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his very young girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
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Sex all day

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.

The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.

“Mary… Mary…” Awestruck, Mary responds, “Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“Well, what is it like?”

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curly silver hair

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

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Inflated dolls

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them.

They won’t know the difference.’
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