One liner sex jokes (2)

9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
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One line sex jokes.

1. When I was born, I got a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I can’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
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Irish one liners

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

Irish saying – There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle aged men.

Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet
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TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don’t stop and ask for directions.
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Irish one liners

Where were you going when I saw you coming back?

I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.

‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green.
‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
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Irish one liners

1.An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’
Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’

2.Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantel piece?’
‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
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One liner jokes

Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change colour

How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
Roll a 40 down the street.

How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
He’s nursing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
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One liner jokes

What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A Budweiser in each hand!

Why did Mexicans create tequila?
So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
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Blonde jokes

What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch ‘n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
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One liner jokes

How is a casino like a woman?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
“Olive or twist?”
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A Retired Person’s Perspective

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people.
I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she’s probably drunk

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Blonde one liner jokes

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumour.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: “Fun fun fun worry worry worry”
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry….
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Airline one liners

Take-offs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
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Short Jewish jokes

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
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MALE STATEMENTS

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “You’re ugly.”
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