Old age

So three old men met on a Sunday morning..

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
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Little old lady on a boat.

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to
her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker
getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.
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Old lady at a supermarket

There’s this old lady at a supermarket.

She goes to the produce section.

She’s rummaging around for a while.

Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: We’re out of broccoli at the moment.

The old lady starts rummaging again.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: I just told you that we don’t have any at the moment.
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Whats in a name

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”
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Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
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Keep ‘Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.

The lady asked, “What’s that for?”

He replied, “It’s to keep my cigarette dry when I’m outside smoking and it starts to rain.”
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A Retired Person’s Perspective

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people.
I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she’s probably drunk

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Grandma’s boyfriend.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh … I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
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Doctor’s Request

The other day I went over to our nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”

Being I’m a senior citizen … I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
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Two old men in a brothel.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them.

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Social Security, joke.

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
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Mum goes into a home.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
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Dirty Old Man

An old couple that met in a nursing home and had been married for several years never had sex.

Instead they would sit and stare out the window and the old woman would hold the mans penis.

This would go on every day.
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Pensioners have a good day.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
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Pensioners marriage

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
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