Inseminate one of the cows

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

“That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.”

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
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A bus load of politicians

A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
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A country lane

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
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Paddy’s cow got killed

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
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cattle guards

Submitted by eaf143

For those of you who have never travelled to the west, or southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings,
in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area.

For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
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Nude gardener, joke

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
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Horny rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:’ I have just the rooster for you.

Ricky here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!’

So the farmer took Ricky back to the farm.

Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Ricky a little pep talk.’ Ricky,’ he said,’ I’m counting on you to do your stuff.’ And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
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That’s once

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, “That’s once.”

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, “That’s twice.”

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
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Pull, Buddy, pull

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
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A new bull.

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn”t even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
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Show him your badge

A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.

He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm.

‘ The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.

‘ The Agriculture representative said, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me.

See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

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My father wouldn’t like it

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric.

“Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.

” “No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t like it.”

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Chicken farmer joke.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne…

The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says. ‘This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating’

‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ says the woman.
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farm boy joke

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles.

Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “But I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
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