A lady of the night

Gordon Brown was lookin for a lady of the night.

He found a girl in a local pub.

He said: “I’m Prime minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend time with you …?”
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Mouldy penis

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal.

A man with no arms comes up to him and says “Hey, can you give me a hand?”.

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.

He unzips the man’s pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy.
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Gold Medalist

 

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer.

He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500.

Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

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60 minutes of great sex

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”
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I need a man

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
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A mouth full

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
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A talk about sex

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said.
“Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
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Husband climaxes

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor.

Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
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Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
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very sweaty sex

A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all.
But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
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I need two Viagra’s

Joe goes to the pharmacy and asks for two Viagra’s.
You don’t need two pills, one is enough.
I need two!
I will repeat you again, one is more than enough.
I need two.
So, why two?
Two girls will come to my place, tonight.
We will have a romantic dinner, music in background, we will drink a couple glasses of wine, we will cuddle and have a long night together.
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The Lunatic Asylum

One of the benefactors of the local lunatic asylum is walking around the wards when he sees a man sitting bolt upright in bed pretending to drive and making car noises.

“How are you?” asks the visitor.

“Knackered,” replies the patient. “I’ve had to drive all the way to Scotland to deliver a load of steel.”
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Little girl and a bird.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.

He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”

“A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
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Dinner time for little Johnny.

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what “shit” meant.

Thinking fast she replied “food on the table”.

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does “son of a bitch” mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says “It’s a priest”.
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