9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
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1. When I was born, I got a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I can’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, “Why do you look so excited?”
The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
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Little Johnny is playing in the woods with his little friend Jenny
when she turns to him and asks if he knows what a penis is.
Johnny, unable to answer tells her to wait while he runs home to
ask his dad. He bursts in through the front door to find his dad
laying on the sofa watching TV.
“Dad! dad, do you know what a penis is dad, do you ?” Johnny demands of
his father.
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Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer.
He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500.
Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”
There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife.
The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about their problems and the doctor prescribed a pill for the man to take.
The doctor warned thought that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging.
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One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream.
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother.
“Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!”
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
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A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said.
“Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
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A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all.
But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.
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Joe goes to the pharmacy and asks for two Viagra’s.
You don’t need two pills, one is enough.
I need two!
I will repeat you again, one is more than enough.
I need two.
So, why two?
Two girls will come to my place, tonight.
We will have a romantic dinner, music in background, we will drink a couple glasses of wine, we will cuddle and have a long night together.
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A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all the time.
So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it.
His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: “Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home.
I will be up in the tree waiting for you.
If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not.
And I will give the right answer to you and her.”
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A young girl takes her boyfriend, a wounded soldier, to meet her mum.
The two ladies go into the kitchen to talk.
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Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” and he touches her hand.
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
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A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
“Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded.
“It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”
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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer’s Weekly.
He looked up from the page and said to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
“Oh yes? Prove it.”
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Submitted by eaf143
A sex shop is closing down and has a notice in the window
EVERY THING MUST GO TODAY
So this woman goes into the shop and asks the shop assistant “how much is that big red vibrator on the counter”?
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The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
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Joke for today 