16 years later

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labour with 3 children.

Her husband didn’t want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself.

All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out
and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
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Lady Sunbathing

Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised “deck” which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
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Four legs instead of two

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
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Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
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Talcum powder, joke

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes.
When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.
He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.
The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
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The Best Divorce Letter, joke.

Submitted by eaf143
 
FIRST LETTER:

 
My Dear husband:

I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.
I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Wife.
Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

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Six Feet Under The Sheets

Kathy was in bed with a man (not her husband).
All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.
“Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?”
“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Kathy, so he trusted her advice.
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I don’t think so, joke

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” Kate said.

Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”

A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.
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10-speed bicycle

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, ‘Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on
this house is £250,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There’s no way we can afford it.’

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
door with a suitcase.
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I’m still a virgin

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
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Wife one liners

Why does your wife have periods?
Because she deserve them.

What is loud and obnoxious?
Your wife.

How do you blind your wife?
Put a windshield in front of her.

Why is life like a penis?
Your wife makes it hard!
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Knickers, joke.

Jack was about to marry Mary and his father took him to one side.

‘When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,’ he said.

‘I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were too large… ‘I told her, ‘of course they’re too big’.

I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.

‘Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.’

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Lost wife in Walmart, joke.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around WalMart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

“Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence.

I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
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