Monks in the monastery

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance.

He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

God will save me.

Somewhere in the South-eastern United States, probably Louisiana or Arkansas (you know, the bible belt), a huge hurricane came through and threatened to take out an entire town. At the local church, people were praying.

funny pastor joke Their pastor, a fervent young man, asked for people to remain calm and wait for God’s help. Mid-prayer, the flood waters began to rise up the floor of the chapel. People began panicking and running out of the building. The pastor urged people to seek shelter, and when friends asked him to leave, he said “No. I’m going to stay with the church. I believe God will save me.”

World war two

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favour’s.”

Nuns at the grocery store

Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping.

As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, “A cold beer would go down great tonight!”

“Indeed,” the other nun replies, “but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan,” the other nun answers.

“Grab a six-pack.”

The health bill.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

Car crash.

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The Priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

Priest and the Dying Man

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

A dozen whores

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

May I hide under your skirt

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked,

“Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

Pope caught speeding

The Pope arrives at JFK and he’s met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, “Pope.”

After getting all the Pope’s luggage loaded in the limo-and His Holiness doesn’t travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Hey, Mr. Pope,” says the driver in accented English, “Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive.”

“That is very much against the rules!” protested the driver, wishing he’d never left Calcutta.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.

Priest and the Dying Man

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.

3 nuns meet ST. Peter

There was three nuns who died and went to purgatory(between heaven and hell). Then ST. Peter went up to them and said, “before any of you can enter heaven you must answer one question”.

So ST. Peter went to the first nun and asked, “how long did it take for God to create the world?” the nun replied, “seven days”. So there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, “you may now enter heaven”.

Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”

Meeting the Pope

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope.

There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot’s ear, and made his way on again.

Maria dies.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

Jesus Vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin.
They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing.
I lost it all when the power went out.”

A young Catholic couple

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out,'” and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited.
Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.

Mother of God.

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it.
He writes a letter to Jesus.
“Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I’ll be good for a whole week.”
He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, “I can’t be good for a whole week, I’ll be good for five days.”

God phones Satan.

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, ” So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey things are going great.

I’m God

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

‘My son,’ said the holy man, ‘what are you doing? Who are you?’

‘I’m God,’ said the stranger.

‘Pardon?’

‘I’m God,’ he repeated. ‘This is my house!’