90th birthday

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

Old age

So three old men met on a Sunday morning..

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

Little old lady on a boat.

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to
her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker
getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.

Whats in a name

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”

Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

very sweaty sex

A senior couple goes to the doctor. The doctor first visits the husband:
Everything seems to be fine. Are you having problems?
Well, nothing special but when I make love with my wife, the first time, there are no problems at all.
But, the second time I feel very sweaty and this annoys me.

Keep ‘Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.

The lady asked, “What’s that for?”

He replied, “It’s to keep my cigarette dry when I’m outside smoking and it starts to rain.”

A Retired Person’s Perspective

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people.
I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she’s probably drunk

Hearing problems

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.

So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?”

There was no response.

Two old men in a brothel.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them.

Canadian gentleman joke

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

Mum goes into a home.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

SECRET OF HAPPY LONG LIFE

A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighbourhood.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said.

“What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

Dirty Old Man

An old couple that met in a nursing home and had been married for several years never had sex.

Instead they would sit and stare out the window and the old woman would hold the mans penis.

This would go on every day.

Pensioners marriage

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.