One drink to many

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

Pirate at the bar

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door.

The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here friend.

You look like you’ve had a hard life and I’d like to buy you a drink.”

The pirate came over and ordered rum.

A loving husband

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie — put your hat and coat on, lassie.”

you’re not wearing any panties

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No.” he replies “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

Pet octopus

a man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “give us two beers over here!”
The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, “Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”
The man say’s to the bartender, “oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”
The bartender replied back, “well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!”

Screwing up a business.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied “Yes.”

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”

“Certainly sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.”

Driving home drunk.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk

What can I get for you?

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What can I get for you?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about?

I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there.
In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

Drink in a bar.

Two friends, both married, decide to have fun on a Saturday night.
They go to a night bar to find a prostitute.
After having negotiated the price and split the check, the first one goes in the
room with the woman.

A Canadian, American, Japanese, and a Middle Eastern guy

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar.

They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.

The American guy boasts, “I’m so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team.”

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

A cowboy walks into a bar

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’ my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Female hormones

“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank.
Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off.

As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley.

Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm.

cocktail stick

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out.

The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.

The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman.

This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly.

There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.

My wife just ran off

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”

A man is drinking in a bar

A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.
“Hello there and what is your name?”
“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey.
What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?”
“Sure!” replies Jim.

Paddy in a Belfast pub.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

An Irish pub.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.”

Large woman in Dublin bar.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin , Ireland .

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a woman a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her….

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.