Layoffs are Tough

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off.
But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

Can you hear me now ?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

The funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Four men on a roof

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.

The asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof.

You Are Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

The Loving Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his check-up , the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

The Bet

Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it’s other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.

So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.

Bad News

A man got a call from his doctor who said “I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?”

The man says “The bad news.” The doctor says “The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!”

TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don’t stop and ask for directions.

Male statements

Statement: “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find
out sooner or later.”

Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on
their way to tell you by now.”

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Those Dirty Pirates

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour.

”There’s the plank for trouble makers, there’s the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there’s the barrel for all you sexual needs.”

”Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?”

Male statements.

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

I lost my wife

Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn’t arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.

Old age

So three old men met on a Sunday morning..

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

three guys win a contest

There were three guys that won a contest.

They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose.

The first guy loves to have sex.
So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year.

The second guy loved to get drunk.
So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year.

The third guy loved to smoke.
So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke.

60 minutes of great sex

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”

Four legs instead of two

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

A talk about sex

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.”
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.
When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said.
“Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

The villager who lost his donkey

A villager went to the city to visit his son.

He had no money so his donkey was his only transportation.

When he reached the city he went to pee at the corner at the street, but while peeing the donkey ran away.

The old villager spent all day looking for his beloved donkey, but as the night fell he decided to find a place to rest.

Husband climaxes

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor.

Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”