wife is going into labor

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

mountain woman goes to the doctors

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, “Doctor, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.
We got us eight kids now and I just don’t know how we can go on.
I gotta do something about having all these babies or I’ll just lose my mind!”

Can you hear me now ?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

The funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

16 years later

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labour with 3 children.

Her husband didn’t want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself.

All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out
and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

You Are Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it.

Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

The Loving Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his check-up , the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

Bad News

A man got a call from his doctor who said “I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?”

The man says “The bad news.” The doctor says “The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!”

Doctors visit.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.

contraceptive

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother.

“My child has swallowed a contraceptive!”

The farting lady

A lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your clinic.

You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

New sex pill

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife.

The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about their problems and the doctor prescribed a pill for the man to take.

The doctor warned thought that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging.

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:

“Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old.

There is however, only one problem.

Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more…

“Can you give me some more details about this?’ he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies – “Oh yes here it is:”

Husband climaxes

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor.

Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

Wife was to skinny

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

trouble having sex

Doctor I’m having trouble having sex with my wife.

When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous.

When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

TWICE a day

This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help
me. I just can’t stop having sex!”

“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.

“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.

“Yes, but thats not all. Twice a  day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.

Female hormones

“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed.

The eye examination

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination.

They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes.

In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says.