90th birthday

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The farting lady

A lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your clinic.

You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

Old age

So three old men met on a Sunday morning..

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

Little old lady on a boat.

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to
her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker
getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.

Old lady at a supermarket

There’s this old lady at a supermarket.

She goes to the produce section.

She’s rummaging around for a while.

Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: We’re out of broccoli at the moment.

The old lady starts rummaging again.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: I just told you that we don’t have any at the moment.

Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.

Whats in a name

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”

Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

Keep ‘Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.

The lady asked, “What’s that for?”

He replied, “It’s to keep my cigarette dry when I’m outside smoking and it starts to rain.”

A Retired Person’s Perspective

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people.
I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she’s probably drunk

Old Ladies Gossip

Old lady: “Ted went down the garden last night to pick some beans for tea.

He had a heart attack and died!”

Don’t Forget Your Glasses

An old married couple stopped at a roadside cafe to have a cup of tea before resuming their journey.

Thirty minutes later, the man realised he’d left his glasses on the cafe table.

Grandma’s boyfriend.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh … I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

Doctor’s Request

The other day I went over to our nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”

Being I’m a senior citizen … I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

Two old men in a brothel.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them.

Social Security, joke.

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

bench outside a nursing home, joke.

A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having
a little chat.

“How are you, Tom?” asked Marvin.

“I’m not feeling well today – utterly exhausted,” Tom replied.

I’ll bet you five dollars, joke.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

Church bells joke

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Dirty grandma joke.

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father.

“Bet cha’ can’t guess how old I am today”, the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. “I’m eleven!” the boy exclaims.