My birthday

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.

‘What’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’ he hollered.

‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .’ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.

Layoffs are Tough

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off.
But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

Glasgow library

A Scotsman walks into a Glasgow library and says to the chief librarian,

‘Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?’

Man wears ear-ring

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

Girl goes for a job.

Sally Mulligan of Comox, British Columbia decided to take one of the jobs that most Canadians are not willing to do.

The woman applying for a job in an Okanagan lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of British

New shoes

A man walks into a shoe store…
…and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight.” replies the man.

Weather Forecast

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

“Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?”

“Yes” said the forecaster ” it will be a bad one”

So the Chief told the braves that they didn’t have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.

Four men on a roof

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.

The asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof.

hairy bikers

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

Teeth

A little boy & a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn.
They are both bear butt naked.
The little boy’s mom comes around the corner, and catches them.

She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house.
Spanking him the whole way.
When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy “don’t be messing’ with those little girls.

Who stole my horse

A cowboy rides into town, goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen.

He walks into the bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling.

“WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yells.

Irish one liners

1.’You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!’

2.’How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never engaged?’

3.’Spread out in a bunch.’

Irish one liners

Where were you going when I saw you coming back?

I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you’d gone.

‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green.
‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

The Taxi

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’

Southern Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

Dirty Pirates

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour.

”There’s the plank for trouble makers.

There’s the deck that needs swabbing everyday.

And there’s the barrel for all you sexual needs.”

A dentist, a nurse and a army general

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane.

The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army
general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane and see what happened…