A blonde bought two horses

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail.

Our blonde friend was stuck again.

Hee Haw

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked beside him.

As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and the boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked: “What a shame! He makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they would both walk.

A mole family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,’ Yummy! I smell maple syrup!’

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, ‘Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!’

walking in the woods

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.

For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.

He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.

Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle.

He killed it, and started to eat it.

Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

A man needed a horse

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.

Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.

In order to make the horse go, you say, “Thank God,” and for it to stop you say, “Amen.”

Panda joke.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going?

You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

Pet octopus

a man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “give us two beers over here!”
The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, “Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”
The man say’s to the bartender, “oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”
The bartender replied back, “well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!”

Inseminate one of the cows

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

“That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.”

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

Two zebras taking

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other.

“Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?”

The other replies, “Well I don’t know.

You should pray to God about that and ask him.”

So that night he did and God replied, “You are what you are.”

The cruise

Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing.

On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers.

The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder.

Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away.

One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it disappeared!

The parrot said “It’s in his pocket, it’s in his pocket”.

The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away.

The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished.

Again, the parrot said, “It’s up his sleeve! It’s up his sleeve!”

Talking frog.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The villager who lost his donkey

A villager went to the city to visit his son.

He had no money so his donkey was his only transportation.

When he reached the city he went to pee at the corner at the street, but while peeing the donkey ran away.

The old villager spent all day looking for his beloved donkey, but as the night fell he decided to find a place to rest.

The pussy and the sausage

A cat is walking along the river, when it sees a cocktail sausage floating in the water.

It jumps in to get the sausage and gets its paws wet.

The next day its walking down the river again when it sees a jumbo sausage in the river, it jumps in to get it and gets its legs wet.

A Bear and a Man.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.

His hopes were dim.

Boy carrying a wild turkey

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”

Christian lion.

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer.

“Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”

Don’t step on the Ducks.

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!”

2 cats, joke

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”

Short Irish vet jokes

Bill took his dog to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want
anything to make her think she is welcome.”

Bullfrog lost its hearing

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump.

He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, “Jump, frog, jump!”

The frog jumped across the room.

The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, “Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.”