90th birthday

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The farting lady

A lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your clinic.

You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

Speeders

Sitting on the edge of the highway 22 waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder.
So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?”

Little old lady on a boat.

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to
her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker
getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.

Old lady at a supermarket

There’s this old lady at a supermarket.

She goes to the produce section.

She’s rummaging around for a while.

Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: We’re out of broccoli at the moment.

The old lady starts rummaging again.

Produce Manager: Can I help you ma’am?

Old Lady: I’m trying to find some broccoli.

Produce Manager: I just told you that we don’t have any at the moment.

Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.

Keep ‘Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke.
After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.

The lady asked, “What’s that for?”

He replied, “It’s to keep my cigarette dry when I’m outside smoking and it starts to rain.”

Old Ladies Gossip

Old lady: “Ted went down the garden last night to pick some beans for tea.

He had a heart attack and died!”

Don’t Forget Your Glasses

An old married couple stopped at a roadside cafe to have a cup of tea before resuming their journey.

Thirty minutes later, the man realised he’d left his glasses on the cafe table.

Grandma’s boyfriend.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh … I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

Church bells joke

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Dirty grandma joke.

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father.

“Bet cha’ can’t guess how old I am today”, the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. “I’m eleven!” the boy exclaims.

old lady takes a holiday

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman
peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, ‘I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.’

An old lady dies

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
When all of a sudden she hears
The most awful, blood curdling screams…

Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter,
‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled into her
Shoulder blades for the wings.’

Pensioners have a good day.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

Pensioners marriage

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Sex all day

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.

The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.

“Mary… Mary…” Awestruck, Mary responds, “Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“Well, what is it like?”

curly silver hair

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Grandma prostitute

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth.

The girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

Sperm count.

A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, doc, it’s like this…

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.